She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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