i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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