How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
