Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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