I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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