got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
