A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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