My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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