we're chasing vodka with high fives
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
