everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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