I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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