If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
