i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
When did angry sex become our thing?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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