I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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