bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
