if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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