he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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