Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
