you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
