My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
