I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
My liver just broke up with me...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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