I think I won the penis lottery.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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