Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
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