Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Randomize
