I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
