I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
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