rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
