I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize