ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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