YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize