Pants 0. Shit 1.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
