so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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