then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
