The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
