you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
