the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
