ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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