how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
