new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize