just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
