You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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