If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
