Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
