I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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