I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
