those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
