A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
