dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
