Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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