i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
