this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
