look no pants
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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