You don't have asthma, your pregnant
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
