did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
