you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He? As in you personified your dick?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
