glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
