tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
