so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
